Blood Clots, Again

I don’t always love riding bikes. I love the process. I love seeing how close I can get to my full potential. I love the feeling of getting faster on my bike. Feeling like I’m riding an e-bike when I’m in top shape. In April 2020 I was getting to my best. I could put out 422 watts for 20 minutes. In June I developed a deep vein thrombosis and a pulmonary embolism and was put on a blood thinner.

When I started racing in 2004 my long term goal was to become a national champion. It didn’t matter in what discipline or age bracket. My short term goal for the 2020 season was to win the Boyd Cup in the CRCA racing series. I didn’t like the idea of leaving those goals unfinished because I felt like I was very close to attaining them. It seemed like thirty three was too young to stop and I wasn’t ready.

Still, I had to face reality. A stroll down the street caused my leg to swell and turn blue. I remember after one of my first indoor rides my power was so low. Afterwards I laid on the floor to elevate my leg to help the swelling. I started to tear up because it felt insurmountable and I didn’t even know if my leg and lung would be able to get back to 100%.

In 2012 I was browsing through Barnes and Noble and saw Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. I really enjoyed learning about the Roman Empire when I was a kid and since I was in the philosophy section looking for answers I decided to buy it. I loved it. Meditations is Marcus Aurelius’ personal journal that wasn’t meant to be published. It brings you inside the head of the most powerful man in the world struggling to be a good person. Having that much power can and does corrupt men. “Fight to be the person philosophy tried to make you,” he wrote. History says that he was successful and considers him one of the “five good emperors.” It made me want to dive deeper and I’ve been learning ever since. The first book I read after my DVT and PE was a book called The Stoic Challenge by William B. Irvine. It was about how a Stoic would overcome setbacks. One technique was called the storytelling frame.

So there I was. On the floor. Teary eyed. Leg swollen. Unsure if I could get back to where I wanted to be. In that moment a switch went off. I needed to fight to be the person philosophy tried to make me. I said to myself, “Fuck that, my blood clots are going to have to prove to me they can stop me.” I didn’t say I could do it. I said they were going to have to prove it. I used the storytelling frame and envisioned the next few years like a Hollywood movie where it works out in the end for the main character. Winning the CRCA Boyd cup. Hanging up my national championship jersey on the wall. I thought about the entire process. Tomorrow would suck. My power would be down and my leg would swell. Next month would be better. The month after even better. All I needed to do was keep doing the best I could everyday. All I wanted to do was get to my full potential, whatever that was now. I went back to the process. All the stuff I loved.

In 2021 I had the option to go off my blood thinners because I didn’t have any positive genetic tests for blood disorders. That year I won the Boyd cup. In 2022 I reached the best fitness of my life and won a lot of races. In 2023 I won a National Championship. When I placed second at nationals in 2024 I was disappointed but also grateful. I remember sitting in my car full of gratitude just for the chance. I thought about the last four years and it felt like I had reached the end of my story. From lying on my floor crying to achieving my goals. To feeling contentment even after losing. I didn’t feel like I had anything left unfinished. I felt at peace with it all. It really was an amazing feeling.

More Blood Clots

Last week I had an ultrasound. I was having some stomach and back pain for a few weeks and thought I had gallstones. They didn’t find any gallstones but they did find a blood clot. I went to the emergency room and got a CT scan. They found clotting in my portal, splenic, and superior mesenteric vein. My spleen was enlarged and my blood flow through my liver was diminished. The radiologist said I possibly had esophageal varices. Luckily an endoscopy showed that I didn’t. I learned that esophageal varices are like varicose veins in your throat that pop easily. When they pop you have an 80% chance of either bleeding or choking on your own blood to death. That was the next progression of what I had and the doctors said it was a good thing I went in when I did.

I was in the hospital for a couple of days and it’s been a couple more since I’ve been discharged. There are some more test results that have yet to come in and time will tell if there are long term complications. I think I’ll be okay. One thing is for sure - sitting in my car after my last race really was the end of that story. I will be back on blood thinners for life and even if my cycling power comes back this time I don’t think I will risk doing any serious mass start races. Was the universe giving me that moment in my car after my last race to soak in because it was aware of my fate? It honestly feels that way. Or maybe my teachers have finally drilled something into my head. Amor fati - love your fate - whether “good” or “bad” - and make it your own.

I took a risk to go off of my blood thinners to resume racing in 2021. I am so grateful to have had the chance to do that. To accomplish those goals that were left on the drawing board. To get to a point where I felt contentment with my racing “career.” I don’t know what my relationship with the bicycle and racing will be in the future but this time it doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t feel like I left anything unfinished this time. I know I reached my full potential.

I want to thank my friends and family for being there for me. Especially my friend Kristen. I am grateful for Zeno, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Socrates. For Massimo Pigliucci. When things are going well it’s easy to believe their end is not within sight. When you’re down it’s easy to believe you’ll never get back up. I’ve learned over the past five years neither is true. My story has truly come full circle. But it wasn’t the entire story, just a chapter. Tomorrow I decide how the next one begins.